We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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