Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
