i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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