Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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