Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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