I'm sorry my penis didn't work
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
