they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
