I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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