you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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