I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
