matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
