just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize