I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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