omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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