mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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