all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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