i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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