You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize