There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
