i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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