This is not my ceiling
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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