I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
