hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
