loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
