the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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