so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
