Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
