Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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