My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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