I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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