dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
