I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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