He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
