I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
