Acid is not a monday night drug
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
