we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
