Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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