i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
