Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
