i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
