hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
