She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
