i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
