Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
