It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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