There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
