i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
