is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
