We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
