and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
