Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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