Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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