I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
