Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
3pm strippers are depressing
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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