After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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