Please don't use social media to get back at me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
