Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
