i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
