his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
