There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
