When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
