I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
