I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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