my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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