Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
