just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
